Resist the urge to over-explain yourself, says Annalisa Barbieri – you have nothing to apologise for
I’m a middle-aged woman, and many women I meet ask if I have children. I do not. They often ask why not, but I cannot tell them. The real reason is because I am a failure, both personally and professionally, and have been for most of my life. There are many causes – a mental health condition that it would be immoral to pass on, a date rape, an abusive relationship, a promising career destroyed by both the economy and my own poor decisions. I have discussed some of these issues with the couple of women I have known for many years. Hopefully you will understand why I do not wish to discuss them with those of short acquaintances, but I do want to make friends with them (I lack a regular, nearby support network). How do I tell them to get their noses out of my private business while still saying, hey, let’s be friends?
You need to be kinder to yourself. You are not a failure. Living with a mental health condition and surviving a date rape and an abusive relationship does not make you a failure – how could it? I can’t comment on whether you have made wrong decisions in your career, but if you have, that wouldn’t make you unusual. Some great conclusions have been reached on a path of bad choices. So the reason for you not having children, I would argue, is because you are a survivor, not a failure. You chose not to have them. That is commendable. Every day I receive letters highlighting the damage wrought on children by people who went into parenthood without such cogent thought.
Continue reading...posted from The Guardian
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